Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
