I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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