I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
