dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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