woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
BRING THE BAGELS
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
