I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
