I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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