i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
