I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
