she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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