I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Your cock deserves a montage
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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