dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
