She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
