if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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