But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
