apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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