Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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