I just pynch a tree in the face
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
