even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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