He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
