I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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