Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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