woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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