We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
