I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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