Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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