I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
