Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
