Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you made out with another girl for some wings
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
