Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Randomize
