My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
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I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
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Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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