we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
