I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
