I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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