so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
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Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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