My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
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you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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