I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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