I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
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I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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