Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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