ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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