My room smells like vodka and shame
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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