dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
