Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
