And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
