my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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