yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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