you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
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Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
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Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
When are your genitals available?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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