yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
