that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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