What did we do last night that was yellow?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
