You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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