We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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