I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
