Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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