i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
