dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
