The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
